Once again, my co-worker Phil has come through with something so utterly hilarious (his last contribution was the WoW gay dancing video) that it had to become part of my blog. Here it is, for all the world, the truth about so-called “inner beauty”:

So I was on my way down to Sonoita to have dinner with my uncle, who I haven’t seen since I was two, and thus, have no memory of, whatsoever, and get trapped behind this fucking truck.

Notice it’s got commercial plates, and the cowboy hat on the driver. Yes, this is a dirty wetback that cannot seem to understand the concept of going faster than 40mph, in a 55 zone. There’s also 3 cars behind us, and this motherfucker is completely oblivious.

Ya know dude, it’s great that you (probably) got here legally and all, but fucking assimilate. Everyone in the United States speeds. Do so before someone caps your dumb ass for making them late.

Sarah came across this one…another fucking WheresGeorge bill that needs to meet its end.

Number G08339685F, your journey ends here, in Tucson AZ.

So in case anyone has been wondering where the hell I’ve been…I was on vacation in California. Planned a nice 4-day weekend of doing some amusement parks and going back to where I grew up, etc. Not all went as planned, but it went pretty well…

Friday
Left Tucson after work, drove to Valencia (where Magic Mountain is) and could not find a hotel. Got there at 3am, napped/slept in the car for 3 hours in the parking lot of a Denny’s. Fun times.

Saturday
Woke up at 6am in the car in the Denny’s parking lot across the street from Six Flags. Spent two hours in Denny’s eating breakfast and taking turns making runs to the bathrooms to get cleaned up and changed. Made a supply run and killed some time at Target (only thing open) before going to the park to wait in the huge line of cars to get into the parking lot.

Parking lot opened about half an hour before the park did, so we parked, took the tram to the park to get tickets, got the tickets, got through the metal detectors and what not and and waited in line to get into the park. While in line, this queer looking bird-dressed-like-a-clown thing harassed everyone in line…not sure what he was supposed to be, but there’s no doubt in my mind that the guy in the suit was gay as all outdoors.

Once the park opened, we headed for Superman, because every time I’ve been to Six Flags in the past, this ride has either been closed, or had a 5 fucking hour line for it. Anyway, we follow the signs throughout the park, and end up at Revolution instead of Superman, and there’s like, no line, so we try to get on that…but right as we get 2 cars or so from getting on, the ride breaks down. So we resumed our search for Superman. Got there to find a line of people coming out the wrong way saying the ride was closed. I chose to investigate, and turns out the ride was just closed on one side, and the ensuing confusion meant, you guessed it, nobody in line. We rode it twice before we’d had enough. As for the ride itself, it was pretty awesome…the takeoff portion of it hurt like hell, I don’t know how many Gs it pulls, but it compressed my ribcage and I couldn’t breathe too well…well worth it though for the freefall you get afterward.

After that mess, we were headed over to the other side of the park and found that the newest ride, Tatsu, had no line that we could see, so we got in line for that one. That ride was fucking awesome…basically it’s like Batman, but you’re face down and you get a high-speed tour of the park. Only got to ride it once, because the line got HUGE for the rest of the day. After that, we headed to Jet Stream to cool off, again, no line, nice cool-down, get-wet ride. Left that ride to check out Deja-vu, a new ride (for me anyway, hadn’t been there in like 10 years) only to find out it was closed. Great. So we tried Riddler’s Revenge. Closed. Batman. Huge line. Headed over to Goliath, got lost, ended up on Scream (new to me) and rode that…it was nice, but nothing to write home about. Went for Goliath after that, waited in line for about 20 minutes, then the ride closed. There were people stuck on it. It was kind of funny. Anyway, it pissed us off, because so many rides were closed, so we decided to call it a day and try to get our money back…

So we end up at Guest Relations and bitched about the ride closures…they wouldn’t give us our money back, but they did give us “exit passes” to all the rides that were closed, so we could get on them without waiting in line. So we ran over to Deja-vu and got on that…it was probably the most unpleasant and fun ride in the park. I’m stressing the “unpleasant” though. Did Riddler’s Revenge and Batman while we were kind of in that area…I’ve been on both of those before; nothing to really talk about. Hit Tidal Wave to cool off a bit.

Then we went on Goliath. This ride was totally worth the wait. There were some obnoxious wetback children in line behind us that I almost *killed* though. These kids were screaming at the top of their lungs in this shrill, painful noise, their parents were too busy making out and groping each other (typical wetbacks) to watch their kids, and I taught them how to say “shut the fuck up” in English. I really hope they repeat that in school and get berated (in English, per California law, heh heh). Anyway, the ride…holy shit. There’s a 280 foot drop that gets the car going 83 miles per hour, followed by a lateral helix that sustains 4.5 Gs for 6 seconds. I actually experienced red-out. It was fucking awesome. Didn’t have time to ride it again though.

At this point, we’re both wrecked, so we decide to hit X and then get out of there. We’re both running sleep-deprived and physically exhausted at this point anyway. X is entirely indescribable. It’s basically a coaster that runs fast, frenetic, except the ride controls your rotational axis perpendicular to your facing direction. It’s crazy.

For dinner we went to Pizza Cookery in Woodland Hills. They just have really good antipasto salad. So after this we head out to Thousand Oaks and find a hotel there. It’s a nice hotel, free internet, cheap. Meets all our requirements. We head to a Ralph’s to get some booze, and called it a night.

Sunday
Sunday was a drive/relax/recover day. We did some stuff around TO, headed out to Ventura (took the 101 to PCH) and drove down the beach to get somewhere near Anaheim. Tried to stop at Venice Beach, couldn’t find parking. Finally got to Anaheim at around 3ish, got checked into the hotel (a block from Disneyland, w00t) and went on an alcohol/food/Disneyland Tickets run. Got back to the hotel and chilled out for the rest of the night.

Monday
Got up at 6am and got some breakfast at the hotel. Left the hotel about 7am to walk to the park to see if we could get in there early (we forgot that early admission is only if you stay at a hotel IN the resort…lame) so we were almost first in line. Park opened at 8am, we jetted over to Space Mountain and got on that. I was expecting more from this ride…all they did was remap the track. Kinda stupid really. After that we ran over to the Matterhorn which was closed while we were in line for it (some luck, eh?). So after that (there may have been some stuff in between the Matterhorn issues and this, I don’t remember too well…but we went to the Indiana Jones ride and this girl with a handicapped pass kind of got us through the line a little faster (like 10 minutes, maybe)…it was kind of weird.

This whole day was more or less a blur…we saw everything worth seeing in Disneyland. We got so bored that we actually did the Steamboat and Small World. Didn’t stay for fireworks, went back to the hotel at around 7pm to relax and get sleep for the drive home.

Tuesday
Drove home. Is there really anything else I need to put here?

Well that concludes today’s monster post. I’m sure I’ll update this later as I remember more.